what am i currently reading

the book that im stuck on because im lazy is where rainbows end
There's a movie adapted from it tho. it's called love, rosie. I've watched the movie already and thus decided to start on the book and personally, I really feel that they're like two diff stories?!
probably because a movie only allows 2hours+ at most so they couldn't possibly place so many fine and nice details into a single movie.
and this is also the reason why i'm planning to start reading harry pottter's soon!! which means a visit to the library is a must probably during june wew
i cant wait!!!
I've watched most of the harry potter movie and i can say that im hooked??
gryffindor ftw!!!
and now im going all crazy for hot nerds cos they're got damn HOT. brains and looks, that's just WOW.
Aside from these, i only read books online for eg on wattpad.
I've read some nice ones but most of them are finished and currently, im reading the teddy bear argument. i'm still at chapt 4 tho? so nope, not commenting about it yet. not at all~
i should be able to finish it by this fri tho. or probably sat

so thats all !!! If it's about the dramas Im watching well, you could just be well-prepared for a whole list of them because im a drama fan and i watch all kinds of drama. romance, comedy, action, mystery, horror, thriller whatever man. and i watch diff countries drama like thailand, korea, japan, china, hongkong, taiwan and the list goes on...

yeap so i shall end here and the next post shall be some time soon!

my earliest memory

hmmm...
Well, the earliest would probably be that of me heading to sch every morning when i was 6.
i still rmb very vividly how enthusiastic i was about school
i was always the first few to reach the school
for eg school starts at 8 but i'll be all ready and start queuing up at 730am which to me is such a burden rn.
but well, i was 6 then and sleep had never been a problem.
and i still rmb waking up every morning and being able to see my grandfather's smile and asking me if i've eaten in hokkien.
I'll wake up to my fav fish porridge bought from the same stall over and over again until the uncle knows me (hahaha.) but sadly it closed down.
All these just proves how much i miss my grandfather because the earliest memories I ever had were all those with him in it.
And i really wish that i hadn't allowed him to walk out the door that afternoon. If only if i had the ability to stop him... i would have done so
i miss you grandpa and i hope you're doing well...

so well, that's my earliest memory and there really isn't alot because i cant really rmb things well?
probably why i keep losing stuff >:

Challenge 6: something for my kids to know

Dear child/children from the future, 
Something that I want you guys to know is that never ever give up on what you want and stand up for whatever you truly believe in. I am kind of a failure in that because yes. I'm outspoken at times but there's always certain place and certain circumstances that I never dared to let my voice be heard because of how scared I am. Don't be afraid to be different and never never hide your true self and be someone you're not. Your mum experienced it and I would say it's not something that you'll want to experienced at all.  It's like I end up losing myself and this consequence is sth I never want you guys to end up in. Fall in love with someone and don't be afraid of telling them, love whoever you want and never be afraid to show it and don't ever ever let your love one go.  Your mum rejected quite alot of guys because of reasons like the guy being someone my friend like or my friend doesn't like that guy.  Well., these ain't reasons that you should reject a guy with. The only reason you can ever reject a guy with is When you don't like him either or He's playing with you.  Because if you love him, I trust that you should just go for it. If not. You wouldn't know What the outcome will be.
And if you're a boy, don't ever play with girls' feelings they're vulnerable even if they don't appear to be so.  Don't let your friends, all those gangsterish beings to manipulate your thoughts. Don't get into useless fights with your Friends and never never scold or beat a girl . You can only tease them and by teasing. They should be the very little ones.

Just rmb to live everyday to the fullest like it's your last day and there isn't a tomorrow so you'll never forget. Don't get too buried up in books to really truly understand the beauty of the world. 

blog challenge 5: best advice I've ever got

Im back after such a long period of time and I'll ofc be continuing this blog challenge but i wouldn't post one everyday but one whenever i'm free. even a few at once will be fine too.

So, the best advice I've ever gotten I guess would be from my bff. I've known him for a very long time, since primary school but we weren't close back then until sec1 where we got into the same class and since then he has already took up this role as my annoying bff though it's been a longgg time since we last talked :/
The best advice he ever gave to me was that I should never lose myself. not because of anything or anyone. I've always thought that other ppl should come first in whatever decision I make and it's been true for every single move that I make. I always am sure that all the other ppl won't be at a losing end or I'll just minimise their loss. It was really tough doing so because compromises have to be made. I have to give up myself just so that others will be happy. and that's when i lose myself.
there was a period or should i say is? that i really dk who i am anymore... It's like i miss being me. sometimes i would have no idea how to act just because there is always this way of acting infront of diff ppl that i got used to, that when im supposed to be myself, it got so uncomfortable. sighhh
but anyway, i started wearing masks after masks to hide the facade. to hide the fact that im hurt and started pushing ppl away because i never wanted to disturb a single person. i didn't want to ruin their life.
my bff told me a lot of things and i still keep those messages because he's probably the best thing that happened to me. We do quarrel alot but i always find myself forgiving him because he's a large part of my life and I know that he understand me way much more than i understand myself.
and thats why im glad to call him my bff. it's sad that i dont tell him everything but i know that if one day, i need someone to talk to, he'll be there and i'll be there for him too.
anyway, the point is that this advice really did help me to realise that i've lost myself and i really couldn't afford to do so and thus i woke up. i stop putting everyone else in front of me and just did what i feel like doing because karma's a bitch and not everyone cares about your sacrifices.

the next best advice was given by my other bff. I've known him for 2years+. Haven't been talking ever since months ago and he's happily living his life with his girlfr ofc. The best advice he gave was to stop being so negative. yeap, but i swear im only negative infront of certain ppl and these certain ppl obviously include him and those that im comfortable with.
He got so pissed and fed up about my negativity that he scolded me. although he's always there for me when i needed someone and even ask if i wanted a phonecall every single time because he know how much that will mean to me. thanks bff x he taught me alot of things and ofc taught me to love myself by being more positive in life. there's a lot that he doesn't know tho but i guess, he never asked so i guess it's fine. there are always time like these, whereby i just feel like nobody truly understands me at all. nope, no one at all. because they never try hard enough to actually make me let them in. and i need them to try hard because idw them to leave so easily like how everyone else did. i still haven't learn to love myself yet but im in the process. but do you know how hard it is to do so?
because I've never felt love before so how am i supposed to love myself? I just want someone to love me till the day that i could but i know im asking for too much and that's alright.

anw, here is the 5th challenge and i shall end here goodbye !!

my favourite: 5blogs

I have clearly nothing to write in this challenge because I'm not a person that actually read blogs. Hahha. and if i chanced upon them, all I'll do is read the post that interest me and that's that.
I wouldn't really go back and revisit cos I'm not someone that will just go for one blogger or a few.
Yeapp. i think it really depends on the topic the whole post is about.
Well, i mean, no one wants to read a boring blogpost right?
So, if it isn't something of my interest then ofcourse I wouldn't spend much time on it.
Right?


Ending off with an apology. Im sorry for updating so late. I was sick for the last few days and school had been so busy. So, im pushing the next few challenge to probably tmr! when im free ofcourse. Since it's friday!!! I guess I'll be alittle more free? just a little though. hahah
goodnight for now x (;

why do i blog

There's actually several reasons why i blog.
and I'll be sharing with you three of them.
First and foremost, it started out with me wanting to record down things that happen every single day. I remember that I used to write diaries. pages after pages. but i realised it wasn't safe at all. I mean not safe as in my siblings can view them and they'll tease me about it.
I really hate them teasing me. I'm close with them but not to the extent of sharing secrets, talking about my relationships with people to them.
So, i started blogging as a way of keeping my diary so that i know what happens each and everyday. it's a really great way to record all my life stories and to safekeep memories.
Secondly, it is because i really needed somewhere that i can rant and talk and just be myself. you know, i really havent found someone whom I can trust enough to share about all my things. to rant about everything and wouldn't start asking question or even questioning the way i do things. I wouldn't be judge here i thought.
I think it's really a great way for me to be myself. To rant about what makes me unhappy, what makes me sad or even start having my little dreams here.
I don't expect people to read them by doing this challenge. It gives me a great way to improve my standard of English, which is the third reaason, and allows me to get to know myself better which is the last reason.
Why do i say it allows me to get to know myself better?
Well, the questions asked here makes me understand who i really am. what do i really like, what are my dreams etc
like the first challenge, to introduce myself
it took me a longgggg time indeed because I was thinking about this question. 'Who am I?'
I pondered quite a while before being able to do this challenge which is why it took me longer than usual to do that post.
There's so much benefits in writing a blog so why not do one right? so, i started blogging.

And there's this story of why i really wanted to start a blog.
I'll share it tmr  or some other day(;
school is starting tmr and i have to be up by 6am ): so i'm off to bed!
It's 1130pm already. time flies real fast~
i dont even know if i'll be able to wake up on time tmr morning. hahah
time to sleep anw!
Goodnight (:

meaning of my blog name

pistanthrophobia
the fear of trusting someone due to past experiences with relationships gone bad
Yeap, i have pistanthrophobia
the reason why i assign this as my blog name is because
I want to constantly remind myself to not trust people easily
they have to prove and show that they are worth it
that they are worth having my trust and wouldn't break them easily
like how many others often do

I used to trust people very easily.
It was like as long as someone says that they'll keep the promise, I'll let them in on the secret
I learnt this lesson the hard way and i swear i don't ever want to experience it again
It bloody hurts I swear, it cause me to fall right into depression and I wouldn't want to experience that again .
Do you know how lively and cheerful I used to be?
In sec 1 & 2, I remember being the one who always bring alot of snacks to school to share with everyone else.
I remember being the one who helps everyone when they are in need
Always having that bright smile on my face like everything is alright even when they're falling apart
I was many people's listening ears
An advicer who always try to cheer other people up.
Who always laugh even when the joke wasn't that funny
I used to be someone so bright and cheerful
In sec 3, I was the exact opposite.
Plucking in earphones every single time.
Sitting alone in the bus
Being silent every single time
I started hating my class, my classmates and even the people of my age
I couldn't trust people that know me when I was in sec 1 & 2.
Because I thought they knew the whole story and even though I wasn't at fault, I know people wouldn't believe me anyway.
It was 4 against 1 so isn't it obvious?

It was all until I met him that I started opening up, believing everything he says
and trust him in all the promises he made
but when he broke them again and again
i started telling people when they ask me  'promise?'
i would say, 'no. I don't want to make promises that I can't keep but I'll try. I will.'
cos i understand how much it hurts to having empty promises
and when he says he want to do this and that for me and it ends up with nothing?!
It fucking hurts. It felt like i was being betrayed
That's why I stopped trusting
I dont dare to anymore

It's like nobody is worth the trust
nobody is worth allowing me to feel that pain again
no one...

So i'm putting it as my blog name
to always remind myself
what caused me to be in such a state
Being too trusting
believing that everyone is good

i am a pistanthrophobist