meaning of my blog name

pistanthrophobia
the fear of trusting someone due to past experiences with relationships gone bad
Yeap, i have pistanthrophobia
the reason why i assign this as my blog name is because
I want to constantly remind myself to not trust people easily
they have to prove and show that they are worth it
that they are worth having my trust and wouldn't break them easily
like how many others often do

I used to trust people very easily.
It was like as long as someone says that they'll keep the promise, I'll let them in on the secret
I learnt this lesson the hard way and i swear i don't ever want to experience it again
It bloody hurts I swear, it cause me to fall right into depression and I wouldn't want to experience that again .
Do you know how lively and cheerful I used to be?
In sec 1 & 2, I remember being the one who always bring alot of snacks to school to share with everyone else.
I remember being the one who helps everyone when they are in need
Always having that bright smile on my face like everything is alright even when they're falling apart
I was many people's listening ears
An advicer who always try to cheer other people up.
Who always laugh even when the joke wasn't that funny
I used to be someone so bright and cheerful
In sec 3, I was the exact opposite.
Plucking in earphones every single time.
Sitting alone in the bus
Being silent every single time
I started hating my class, my classmates and even the people of my age
I couldn't trust people that know me when I was in sec 1 & 2.
Because I thought they knew the whole story and even though I wasn't at fault, I know people wouldn't believe me anyway.
It was 4 against 1 so isn't it obvious?

It was all until I met him that I started opening up, believing everything he says
and trust him in all the promises he made
but when he broke them again and again
i started telling people when they ask me  'promise?'
i would say, 'no. I don't want to make promises that I can't keep but I'll try. I will.'
cos i understand how much it hurts to having empty promises
and when he says he want to do this and that for me and it ends up with nothing?!
It fucking hurts. It felt like i was being betrayed
That's why I stopped trusting
I dont dare to anymore

It's like nobody is worth the trust
nobody is worth allowing me to feel that pain again
no one...

So i'm putting it as my blog name
to always remind myself
what caused me to be in such a state
Being too trusting
believing that everyone is good

i am a pistanthrophobist